Week 45

Hey sweetpeas!
After a long, and probably not totally deserved break we are ready to contribute to internet landfill once again. As the royal wedding has highlighted the insignificance of us mere mortals and we've had to accept our faces may never be printed on mugs by anyone other than our grandmother, Ginny and I have decided to strike back with a torrent of creative genius that will surely land us a Nobel Prize. Project number one will be called 'Troll watching: a catalogue of English women'
Should be out before Christmas.



Felt very witty at an out of space party then realised I'd stapled myself into the costume so couldn't:
a. pee
b. pour myself a drink
c. sit down without looking like I had disjointed legs

This week we love...



Trash magazines. The pinnacle of British popular culture, but which one is worth your hard earned benefit money? Elly Watson investigates.

That's Life! The best true life stories

Catch-line: Childbirth gave me a designer vagina

Sob-story: Along with the standard crowd pleaser of a weak pelvic floor, That's Life hones in on the primary interests of the average house wife: rape, cancer and drug addiction. The heavier stories, like the 20 year old strangled with her own stockings are balanced out with the tales of cancelled car boot sales, creating a palatable fear of society at large.

Horoscope: Sound advice such as 'a DVD exercise routine helps you get back into shape.' How do they do it?

Crossword: Six-letter word, clue: Harry...boy wizard

Value for money: 68p for 47 pages

Overall Score: 8/10

Hello!

Catch-line: The lessons learnt from Diana

Sob-story: Dissappointing turnout as most of the writing space is dedicated to people who pretend to know Kate Middleton/Prince William/ Lady Diana Spencer. Having said that, Demi Moore has been fannying around Nepal and has decided that while she may be an American cougar, and they may be underage sex slaves, the pain they share is the same. So there you go.

Horoscope: None sighted although an accidental glimpse at Liz Hurley's pubes on page 98 more than makes up for it.

Crossword: Nine-letter word, clue: Kate..., the fiancee of Prince William of Wales

Value for money: £2.00 for 130 pages

Overall Score: 2/10


Take a Break: The Real Life Mag

Catch-line: Shopping hell aged me 10 years

Sob-story: Excellent article about an overweight woman from Liverpool who tied her daughter's boyfriend to a kitchen cupboard with his own shoe laces before slashing his hands and legs. Aside from that the double page spread about women whose lives have been ruined by gastric bands is pretty tasty. One became a shopping addict, the other went for online gambling and two became alcoholics.

Horoscope: Impressive display of common sense: 'Go West for theatre outing' or 'Words in card touch heart'

Crossword: Five-letter word, clue: country whose capital is Rome

Value for money: 82p for 62 pages

Overall Score: 7/10


OK! First for celebrity news

Catch-Line: I wish my babies would get off my bladder!

Sob-story: While the fact that Mariah Carey has procreated ought to be tragedy enough for the celebrity world, there is heartbreak still to come. Peter Andre reveals that he “went nuts for mixed-race girls”, Charlie Sheen is planning to patent 22 of his own catch phrases while Kate Middleton, Victoria Beckham and Jessica Alba all take a moment to mourn the trauma of their childhoods at the hands of bullies: “They said I was trying to steal their boyfriends!” Didn't you realise how difficult it is being super hot and popular? Fuck.

Horoscope: Complete rip off as you have to call to find out when, exactly, to expect your impending doom: “call me to hear when to avoid being disappointed in love and money.” Really?

Crossword: Four-letter word, clue: Victoria Beckham aka... Spice

Value for money: £1.49 for 146 pages

Overall score: 5/10

Woman

Catch-line: I lost 4st and gained a husband!

Sob-story: As a publication solely made up of diet tips the only real tragedy is that the magazine is still in print. We may have figured out space travel and be on the way to curing cancer, but we somehow still need a monthly magazine to remind us that living off jammy dodgers and cheese spray might just lead to obesity. Between the suggestions of chowing down on houmous as a healthy snack and drinking vinegar to curb your appetite, it seems safe to say the only way this media turd could help you lose weight is if you ate it.

Horoscope: “Your slimming destiny” Was already shredding magazine to be served with jacket potato at this point.

Crossword: See above.

Value for money: £1.95 for 74 pages

Overall score: 2/10

Chat: Very, very best of! Passion series

Catch-line: Evil ex set me on fire and MELTED MY FACE OFF

Sob-story: Like the diary of a piromaniac, Chat includes not one but three stories of people being set on fire, the theme even being carried over to the ads: “Keep your loved ones with you- always. Beautiful memorial jewellery created from cremated ashes” Think you've seen it all? The last page features a 15 year old girl with no legs leaping into a horse's saddle.

Horoscope: “A massive change of emphasis emerges now, and things may never, ever be the same again.” Almost as shameful as their pun about the blind woman: 'Eye can rely on my girls!' Surely that isn't politically correct?

Crossword: Five-letter word, clue: fifty plus ten

Value for money: £1.90 for 74 pages

Overall score: 9/10

Sounding a mosaic- Bedouin Soundclash

This is the second album released by the Canadian rock/reggae band. In 2006 it reached the top 10 US reggae albums and in the same year they reached number one in the BBC charts. Bedouin soundclash have successfully managed to create an album that as single tracks seems quite simple yet as a whole is wonderfully complex. The band is made up of a voice, one single guitar, a bass line and drums that are barely noticeable in some songs, some sounding more like acoustic roots reggae whilst others have a refreshing take on drum and bass. Definitely one to check out. Personal favourite would be 'When the night feels my song', and 'shadow of a man', both of which are make for a good start to the day.

Hedgehog in the Fog- Yuriy Norshteyn

Hedgehog in the Fog is a 1975 Soviet animation about a little hedgehog who heads off to meet his friend the bear cub so they can drink tea with raspberry jam and count the stars. Unfortunately, on his way there the hedgehog sees a beautiful white horse, and afraid that the horse might drown in the fog, he goes in to investigate, getting lost himself. Charming and eerie, the story is set to a wonderful original score by Mikhail Meyerovich, making it hands down the best way to spend a spare 10 minutes. Although he's won copious amounts of awards, the director Yuriy Norshteyn was actually fired from the film studio where he worked in 1985 for "working too slowly". For the past two years he'd been working on a feature length adaptation of Gogol's 'The Overcoat' and had only completed 10 minutes. Still waiting to be completed, you can catch a glimpse of the work in progress here.

The Wellcome Collection, 183 Euston Road, London NW1 2BE

Although the last couple of exhibitions have been disappointing I'm happy to announce that the Wellcome Collection has done itself proud with Dirt: The filthy reality of everyday life. Spanning across several ages and places including 17th century Delft, Victorian London and Nazi Germany, the exhibition tracks society's changing attitude towards dirt as well as its timeless moral connotations. While previous exhibitions have felt sparse, there is an almost overwhelming amount of curiosities to see including John Snow's maps of Soho, marking both the location of water pumps and the numbers of deaths by cholera, Pear's racist soap adverts and Nazi sanitation posters: 'Jews are lice, they cause typhus' Propaganda aside there are also some nice works by contemporary artists working with dirt and an interesting section about the link between sanitation and architecture in the 1930s.

Also...




Having been put off Monopoly at an early age (my brother refused to teach me the rules so that I'd be sure to lose) I'm proud to announce that I recently witnessed a game that lasted only an hour and a half, and that even involved laughter. Monopoly is ok.