Week 28

Hey chicks!
Picture the scenario: it's a Fran's 21st birthday. We've just gorged ourselves on wine, prawns and the best haloumi the world has to offer. Around the table are sat a group of thespians, loudmouths and The Beatles' accountant. We are having fun, until birthday girl and fellow RADA students decide to sing a five-part harmony of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. Excellent vocals but neighbouring table is not impressed. They decide to one-up us by singing an improvised rap version of the christmas classic, and so the sing-off begins. To the distress of the restaurant staff we have a inexhaustible amount of festive melodies and while we believe to have finished them off with a choir rendition of Amazing Grace the fuckers blow us out the water with some obscure folk song. Bruised egos aside, it was pretty funny to find out that the competition was an IT company christmas party and the drunk on percussions (a wine glass and butter knife) was the company's boss. Somebody's going to be embarrassed Monday morning...




A cloud cake. Scrap that. A cloud cake which when you cut into it reveals itself to be rainbow-coloured and filled with chocolate stars. If that isn't the cutest thing you've ever seen I suggest you get out of manga culture RIGHT NOW.

This week we love...

You know those people that just seem to be able to do every single nifty trick out, from juggling babies to backflips to fire breathing and you sit there thinking 'oh yeah, nice one dickhead. Like to see you put that on your cv. Cock' while secretly wishing you could do any of the above. Well we've taken about 10 steps back and compiled a list of dumb things that everyone should probably be able to do. They will be of absolutely no use to you, and under no circumstances are you to go out of your way to show off these 'skills' but they may just save your sorry ass in a disastrous date situation. Maybe.

Skill: Scientist goggles
Use: If ever you need to look like an intellectual/get into a library/pass off as a scientist you probably shouldn't do this. However if you want to creep on your housemates in the dead of night and scare the shit out of them it may just be perfect.
Score: 9/10 A fair effort but has squished her face into oblivion



Skill:Old Foot Phone
Use: If ever you want to look busy so as to avoid talking to an undesirable this is an ideal move. Nobody in their right mind would approach a person both this flexible and mental.
Score: 8/10 Impressive considering she's wearing skinny jeans but a less hunched up look might add extra 'crazies'




Skill: Licking Nose
Use: None whatsoever. You look like a self-involved tool.
Score: 5/10 For getting half way there and looking like a frog in the process.







Skill: Raising Left Eyebrow
Use: For impressions of sleazy latinos or for crushing any mortal's ego in one fell swoop.
"Hey have you seen the new season of Gossip Girl?"
*raised eyebrow*
Shabam, she's out the window.
Score: 0/10 I just don't even know what to say.




Skill: Raising right Eyebrow
Use: see 'Raising Left Eyebrow'
Score: 1/10 Appreciate that she actually tried to gain control of her facial muscles this time. Looks more like the school councillor when you tell her you hit you put a tampon in the Geography teacher's water bottle because you fancy him. Not because he's a balding git and you want him to die.




Skill: Moving Your Ears
Use: I've really got no idea. It looks pretty funny if your bald and you can see the whole scalp move around like a shimychanga but that's about it.
Score: 2/10 While she may look like she's off in quiet contemplation she is actually trying really hard. Really, really hard.




Skill: Licking Your Elbow
Use: If ever you want to get a free ice cream, go to the front of queues or seriously embarrass your parents/partner/anyone vaguely affiliated with you. Will need to have absolutely no concept of political correctness and a really long tongue.
Score: 5/10 Got really quite close and spent at least 2 minutes trying. Fair effort.



Skill: Making Your Elbows Meet Behind Your Back
Use: Guys used to use this one in Australian High School to try and get the girls to push their boobs forward to show off their 14 year old assets. Pervy but incidentally a good IQ test.
Score: 4/10 Didn't even nearly make it and is too flat chested for anyone to reap the rewards of convincing her to do it but it did make her arms look like little flippers which is always good.


Skill: Folding Your Finger One On-Top of the Other
Use: Makes your hands look like prawns and is a pretty sweet warm up to get you ready for some Teck-Deck.
Score: 5/10 Managed to do one hand pretty well but wasn't able to do both at the same time.






Skill: Touching the Floor Without Bending Your Knees
Use: Passing the most basic high school fitness test. I have a friend who can touch her foot with her elbow so if you can't suck it in and touch your toes, this is your time to be shame faced. Stop giving yourself excuses about having abnormally long legs, you're not Kate Moss.
Score: 10/10 Could almost put her palms flat on the ground.


Skill: Foot in Mouth
Use: See 'Foot Phone' or 'Licking Your Elbow'
Score: 9/10 Not awarded full marks just because it would have been more impressive to see her stick her entire foot in her tiny mouth. Or at least half of it.






Skill: Moving Each Toe Separately
Use: None other than obviating extreme boredom. It is actually really hard to do. Seriously, next time your in bed and thinking about getting up and being useful to society just lie back and try to move each toe separately. You'll either emerge victorious and weirdly smug or very frustrated.
Score: 1/10 Because she managed to move 1 pinky toe on it's own. That is it.


So Ginny Watson has scored a pathetic score of 66/120. Hope she is feeling suitably shame faced.


Youth and Young Manhood- Kings of Leon

In 1997 a travelling preacher by the name of Leon Followills divorced his wife and resigned from his position as a man of God. A sad day for the Lord I'm sure but a great moment for mankind as it meant his three sons where finally able to live out their rock n roll lifestyle and out came Kings of Leon. While songs like 'Sex On Fire' and 'On Call' have spread them all over the world like a rash, we'd like to pay homage to their scanty but ever so soulful debut album 'Youth and Young Manhood'. Raw, primal but no slap dash collection of demos, the album was awarded debut album of the decade by NME, a title much more deserved than Q Magazine's Best Album of the Year for 'Only By the Night'. A gorgeous mix of swaggering southern rock anthems and blues ditties, it just makes you want to kick around dusty towns in blue jeans and a beer in hand.


Machete- Robert Rodriguez

In the first 15 minutes of the film Machete, a Mexican super-cop single handedly rescues some naked babe of a kidnap victim, is repeatedly propositioned by said naked lady, chops up a million bad guys, is set up by his boss, has his wife decapitated and is left for dead. Pretty much sets the pace for the entire film. Originally made as a fake trailer, Robert Rodriguez then decided to turn his farce into a full blown action movie about the war between Mexican immigrants and US Nationals. A mecca of violence, naked chicks and racist jokes, the film is largely set to 90s porn music and contains a surprisingly high profile cast of Robert De Niro, Danny Trejo, Jessica Alba, Lindsay Lohan and Steven Seagal. Ignore the fact that the lead character only has 10 lines and enjoy the most absurdly funny film you might ever see.


Lemonia- 89 Regents Park Rd, London NW1 8UY
We've recently decided to become Detectives of Cheap Food Outlets (badges and clip boards being assembled as we speak) and as such think this place deserves a mention. If you were to drop by on a weekend you'd find queues spilling out into the streets of Primrose Hill as locals and A-listers squeeze into the sea of Mediterranean decor and smiley waiters, but drop by at lunch time on a week day and not only will the place be quiet, but you'll be able to nab a four course meal for under 12 pounds. And not just any meal either, this is THE yummiest Greek food, the set menu including chunky vegetable broth, a whole spring chicken served with handmade chips and side salad plus baklava and rosy loukoumi for desert. Incredible.

Also...




Some people are just so clever. Try typing in 'eats' the bear. Vair funny.